Red Notebook

A couple of weeks ago I lost a notebook, a red one, I won’t focus on its content but in the fact that it’s very unlikely for me to lose things, I barely  remember when was the last time I’ve lost something that big. I have no clue where I left it, it just disappeared. The thing is that somehow, despite its content, I cannot stop worrying about it. Furthermore, I can relate this loss with a huge weight that adds to the stress that came later and therefore, the lack of will I felt during my exams. It really sucks how a little detail you’ve missed can ruin your attitude and leads you to further consequences, especially when you’re  vulnerable to get pissed easily when you fail, ‘cause from my perspective I’ve everything carefully measured.  So, when I miss something, at some point the only thing left to do is to blame myself.

As per usual it’s almost the end of my academic term and the effects of anxiety and stress doesn’t take long to appear. Even though with new techniques I've been applying since some weeks ago, like meditation, I haven’t been able to achieve a considerable improvement when trying to tear apart worries and those responsibilities which I am committed to, and I currently hate. For example, the preparation I must have in order to get a decent grade, when the related subject is boring as hell.

During the previous two months, my willingness towards any academic matter was -10 (out of 100). I consider myself an above average student (not implying that my qualifications are outstanding by any means) and let’s say that the fact of being slightly intelligent saved my ass more than once. So, when final exams week came, I've been dedicating less than an hour of productivity to each subject and I was convinced that undoubtedly I was going to fail (not dramatically) each test. My surprise was when, thanks to the gods will, exams were not THAT challenging as I was expecting, thus I could survive with the few info I had stored in my head.

The complexity  of the exams was completely odd, I felt weird and lucky at the same time, but whether or not I was lucky, the point of this experience drives me to ask myself why I was so careless, irresponsible and with zero determination. I can't rely on me anymore I think; neither do I know what I could do to be the committed guy I was before. I picture this episode as a glitch or bug in my system, that wouldn’t let me to behave as always and make me have those ups and downs in my academic performance. 

GM                  

Episteme

Recently I am starting to unveil new things about me, which means that I can't be able to understand myself yet, sometimes cold enough to make anyone mad at me in an instant and sometimes warm, mostly when I encounter the inner me.

To begin with, most of the time I want things to be spoken directly, without any mask that could possibly hide our intentions. I believe that today's communication tend to be so emotional oriented, that we end up covering the true meanings of our words, smoothly spoken words, as a consequence of our cowardice, in order to avoid hurting the person we have in front of us.  Constantly fooled by lies that suddenly come as a way of compliments, formalisms and all that shitty language used to cover up a mess you or someone probably did, or to mistakenly make someone feel better; instead I prefer the simplistic way, tell me the things how they really are, then I can trust you and be honest with you, as you have been with me. 

On the other hand, been cheerful, expecting some way of optimism doesn't work for me, I simply cannot replace my thoughts, with yours, your mood it's not a virus that can be contagious, unless I allow it to enter into my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why people waste so much time, they invest considerable hours towards media/pop culture,nightlife, and without any generalization, many of them doesn't expect anything but achieving their dreams with the least effort possible, they also think they deserve everything.

For me: immature individuals whose only purpose on this world is to serve their entire life to a superior entity and to follow the trail of the common denominator of society. 

Even more when human beings are equipped with the most powerful and irreplaceable tool, meant to be exploited for the improvement of the individual and the human race. As a community, knowledge has no constraints, and everyday science is demanding the very best of us in order to move onto another step in the ladder of evolution. We are the only species who have reasoning, the ones capable of changing everything at our will. We possess books, internet, many ways to acquire knowledge, but why  aren't taking advantages of that, maybe because most of us are dumb, not knowing all the beauty of the cognitive power.

GM

Dive in

Its been said that the date I started writing this entry, Friday 13th, is quite famous, what makes that day the perfect day to begin writing some stuff. Unfortunately, due the lack of time I wasn't able to post this on time.

I clearly don't have any hint of who I am writing to, although I forgot that I don't really care, so I'll proceed with this entry explaining you briefly some things about me:

I'm a twenty-one yo guy who lives in a place (which name I prefer not to mention) that wasn't made for him at all, living with my parents and with a sister studying abroad. In advance, I can describe myself as a weird, pragmatic person, a beauty admirer, sometimes self absorbed and as an individual with deep thoughts. 

The recent release of my favourite band's album has filled my morning with joy, along with their powerful lyrics with tons of meaning, which I've been following since four years ago. Its good to know that nowadays, music is one of the few things that keep me motivated and drive my mind into a void of awesomeness especially in a time when I spend most of my days dealing with the heavy weight of the responsibilities I carry as a grown up kid. Even though knowing that eventually all that effort will turn into a reward or an achievement that I will be proud of, so I suppose that I should be patient and accept all that momentary workload.
Easy to say, don't you think? Allow yourself  to sacrifice almost everything that make life enjoyable, for a greater good. Ugh I wish I could do that, whilst I keep myself motivated, 'cause motivation isn't anything but the fuel in our lives, the one that push us forth.


Before I forget  I want you to know that I don't write with a purpose in mind, I just do it because I would like to see if any good for myself can be obtained from this, so I'll leave it there.



GM