Red Notebook

A couple of weeks ago I lost a notebook, a red one, I won’t focus on its content but in the fact that it’s very unlikely for me to lose things, I barely  remember when was the last time I’ve lost something that big. I have no clue where I left it, it just disappeared. The thing is that somehow, despite its content, I cannot stop worrying about it. Furthermore, I can relate this loss with a huge weight that adds to the stress that came later and therefore, the lack of will I felt during my exams. It really sucks how a little detail you’ve missed can ruin your attitude and leads you to further consequences, especially when you’re  vulnerable to get pissed easily when you fail, ‘cause from my perspective I’ve everything carefully measured.  So, when I miss something, at some point the only thing left to do is to blame myself.

As per usual it’s almost the end of my academic term and the effects of anxiety and stress doesn’t take long to appear. Even though with new techniques I've been applying since some weeks ago, like meditation, I haven’t been able to achieve a considerable improvement when trying to tear apart worries and those responsibilities which I am committed to, and I currently hate. For example, the preparation I must have in order to get a decent grade, when the related subject is boring as hell.

During the previous two months, my willingness towards any academic matter was -10 (out of 100). I consider myself an above average student (not implying that my qualifications are outstanding by any means) and let’s say that the fact of being slightly intelligent saved my ass more than once. So, when final exams week came, I've been dedicating less than an hour of productivity to each subject and I was convinced that undoubtedly I was going to fail (not dramatically) each test. My surprise was when, thanks to the gods will, exams were not THAT challenging as I was expecting, thus I could survive with the few info I had stored in my head.

The complexity  of the exams was completely odd, I felt weird and lucky at the same time, but whether or not I was lucky, the point of this experience drives me to ask myself why I was so careless, irresponsible and with zero determination. I can't rely on me anymore I think; neither do I know what I could do to be the committed guy I was before. I picture this episode as a glitch or bug in my system, that wouldn’t let me to behave as always and make me have those ups and downs in my academic performance. 

GM